I have discovered I am horrible with blogging...that or I am just too busy. Before I start in on my health, let me first explain why I am so busy.

I enrolled in college and have been taking 2 to 3 classes each semester in addition to working and still doing Richard's payroll. I was only working part-time, but my boss brought me on full-time so I spend a lot of hours at the law office. Richard hired a woman to take over the books back in January, but flash forward to today's date (06.20.2019) and she still can't do payroll so thus the reason why I am doing it.

On to my health...

I recently went in for MRIs of my brain, cervical spine, thoracic spine, and lumbar spine due to having a MS hug for almost a month. My brain is stable, but the report states that I have "at least 6 right and 5 left black hole lesions..." along with a large lesion in the mid right frontal lobe measuring 1.3 cm as well as numerous other lesions. My cervical spine has "at least 2 areas of increased T2 signal in the cervical spinal cord at C4 and C7", which are lesions. My thoracic spine is good other than mild disc degenerative changes, which is normal I am assuming. My lumbar spine has "increased T2 signal which is new from previous" at my L5-S1 and I know that T2 signal indicates a possible lesion. I also have mild disc disease, but I am assuming this is because I am getting older. My neuro doesn't seem to think I have worsened though I completely disagree.

I went in to see my ophthalmologist yesterday and he informed me that I have 50% to 60% optic nerve damage on my right eye due to optic neuritis. My left eye shows damage as well, but not anywhere near the damage to my right eye. Dr. Izbrand explained it much like a black hole; once the damage is done to the nerve from optic neuritis, there's no getting the optic nerve back. My optic nerves shouldn't get worse unless I get optic neuritis again. The smearing I see in the right eye (right side of my right eye going diagonally down) is a result of the optic neuritis and won't ever get any better.

So there it is in a nutshell. Why does this information make me so sad? I suppose it is because I kept getting lesions, but saw no outward signs of anything going on. Now I have a hard time getting up into my vehicle, I walk with a drop foot/limp, I cannot control my emotions, I have no filter and whatever I am thinking just pops out of my mouth, I cannot sleep at night (my husband thinks I'm incredibly lazy, but I am just exhausted), I have spasticity and get the worst charlie horses in the weirdest places on my body, and I could go on and on...but I won't. My children, other than Madelyn, have no clue what is going on with my body and the one in the medical field who should know only preaches at me and spouts medical crap way over my head. He has drunk the kool-aid so there is no point in talking to him. I feel terrible that Madelyn knows so much and try to shield everything from her, but she is a smart cookie and picks up on a lot of things that go unsaid.

So I am sad. And probably depressed. And weepy. Do you know that I have never really been any of these things with my MS (or least not that I can remember)?

But tomorrow is a new day so I will pull up my big girl panties and quit being like this.

Worry does not change anything.

And so life goes on.